What The Nyuu
by Ookami-nokami
Summary: My (and maybe the) first attempt at a humorfic in this section. It's a normal evening at the Mapel Inn, but strange things are happening. Why is Lucy saying "nyuu" Why is Kurama kicking around? Why hasn't Lucy killed Bando? We might get to that...
1. The Usual Suspects

Lucy was staring down Bando yet again. "You never seem to learn, do you?" She sent out her vector to crush his mechanical arm. "Now I have a date, so nyuu better play nice…" She stopped a moment and clasped her mouth. "Did I just say nyuu?" Her prey screamed something incoherent and definitely not suitable for a T rating. "You're no good…" She gave him a final blow to the chest and walked off.

"I'm worried, Kouta." Lucy mentioned over dinner. "I'm not supposed to nyuu when I'm dealing with that militant."

"Maybe it's because you're not really enjoying it." He offered.

"Impossible." Lucy laughed. "He's too much fun to torture, and he's the only one to actually give me any challenge." She thought for a minute and decided to ask a dangerous question. "Kouta?"

"Yes?"

"Who do you like more? My Nyuu or Lucy side."

Kouta was sure he was on the verge of a heart attack. The most wanted mass-murderer in the prefecture if not the whole of Japan just asked him if he liked her over her. There was no safe way to ask this, but he trusted his instincts as a male protagonist. "I fell in love with both of you, I already told you that."

Lucy laughed darkly. "That's a weak answer. What are you so afraid of? What in our history ever said that I would hurt you?"

Kouta dropped his friendly appearance. "I can think of two off the top of my head, then the threat on Yuka…"

"…" Lusy had honestly forgotten about that since she told Kouta everything before facing her final battle. "I'm sorry."

Kouta smiled again. "Your sorry will bring them back as quickly as me being mad at you."

Lucy smiled in return. "You're getting a darker sense of humor…"

"Maybe it's because I'm dating Jason's sister." The two shared a laugh as Lucy gave a playful 'Say that again and I'll rip your guts out' look.

At home, Nana and Mayu were engaged in a devastating situation. "No, what I say goes." Yuka commanded. "And I say no ice cream until your work is done."

"Urr…" Nana moaned. "Getting attacked by Mariko wasn't as painful as this…"

"Shh… If we sit down and work hard, it'll be done before we know it." Mayu whispered. And so they worked hard into the evening, mostly struggling over their algebra assignment. The girls closed their books with a feeling of accomplishment and turned to the college student. "We're done."

"Great!" She clasped her hands. "Too bad we're out of ice cream."

Both of them hung their heads. "That's terrible…"

Saving Yuka from what could be a situation hazardous to her life, there was a knock on the door. "Coming!" She opened the door to see a man dressed in a suit with a young girl clinging to his hand. "Can I help you?"

The man smiled. "Is this the Maple Inn? We would be interested in renting a room."

Yuka paused for a moment. "Well… we're not really an inn anymore, but I believe we have plenty of empty rooms… What's your name again?"

The man fixed his glasses with his free hand. "Forgive me, I haven't introduced myself. My name is Kurama, and this is my daughter Mariko."

"It's a pleasure, Mr. Kurama." Yuka bowed. "I'll fix a room for you, please come in."

Now, to anyone who has watched the series through knows that Kurama and Mariko are very much dead. This raises the question of how they could escape Mariko exploding in his arms without a scratch. To this the immediate answer is to say "that's a good question" and immediately change the subject to the weather or the latest baseball game. Yuka, having never met our friend, was not disturbed by the fact that he presently existed. Nana, on the other hand, was freaked out of her little horned head. "Ahh! Ghost!"

"It's nice to see you again, Nana." Kurama smiled.

"Aahh! Papa's a ghost!"

"Hopeless…" Mariko stuck her tongue out.

"Nana," Kurama knelt down. "You have to trust that I'm very real."

"But… I saw you die!"

"That's true, but we are here by some weird twist."

"Nana! Mayu! Yuka! We're home!" Lucy called out as she turned the corner with Kouta.

As the two entered the den Lucy saw the strangest sight. She looked at Kurama, Kurama looked at Nana, Nana Looked at Mariko. Nana and Lucy looked at each other, as Mariko and Kurama did the same. Nana looked up to Kurama, Lucy looked down to Mariko. Kouta and Mayu looked at each other and shrugged.

"WHAT THE NYUU IS HAPPENNING HERE!"


	2. School Days

"You know…" Lucy smiled, standing over the ex-commando yet again. "We really should stop meeting like this."

"Damn you, bitch!" He yelled incoherently.

"Say, since we're going to be friends, why don't we trade information?" Lucy suggested as she pulled out a notepad.

"Oh, right…" Bando muttered as he attempted to reach his while trying not to kill himself under the vectors. He wrote down his name and number and swapped with the crimson-haired Diclonus.

Lucy released the militant and smiled. "So, same time next week, Mr… Bando?"

"Sure. Next week I'll defeat you!" They both smiled and went on their way.

At home, Nana and Mariko were engaged in a dreaded battle to the death. They looked into eachother's eyes determined to be the victor. "Having fun, Nana?" Mariko asked with a sinister tone.

Nana studied the situation before making her move. If she made a single mistake, it could be the end. "Do you have any nines?"

"Go fish."

"Sorry to spoil your fun girls." Kurama sat down. "But it's time to study."

"But Papa…" They whined in unison.

"No buts." Kurama said sternly. "You can play when you're done."

"It's been a lot easier now that Kurama's been getting on Mayu and Nana's case for me…" Yuka commented over a cup of tea.

"Doesn't mean I'm going to like him." Lucy spat.

"What did Mr. Kurama do to you?" Yuka asked defensively.

"You mean aside from kidnapping me, subjecting me to various tests, wrapping me up worse than a bondage video, and having a sniper shoot me in the head?" The hornless Diclonus listed.

Yuka felt a sweat drop follow the back of her head. "I guess you have a point…"

Kouta walked in with a smile on his face. "Lucy… I have something for you…" He produced a brown paper package from behind his back. "Here!"

Lucy opened the parcel and stared at the contents. "You really must be joking…" She growled.

"You are high school aged, right?"

"There is no way in hell that you're going to make me wear a school uniform." Lucy said childishly. "There's no possible way that you could even start to bend my will to doing such an embarrassing thing."

The next morning Lucy found herself staring down the gate at the local High School. "I can't believe he made me do this…" She sighed. "At least I don't have to deal with those damned horns." She followed instructions and waited outside to be instructed.

The teacher brought her in quickly. "This is Nyuu Lucy, she'll be attending from now on."

'Uncreative bastard…' Lucy scorned mentally. 'Using that nickname for my alternate personality as my first name…'

"Miss Nyuu, please take your seat." She fought off giving the glare, seriously she did. It's just that she didn't do any suppression beforehand. She quickly looked away before anyone noticed and sat down. A girl shifted her desk a bit away from her.

At the local Junior High School, Nana and Mayu were settling in for another enthralling biology class. "Since you've been complaining about my classes not pertaining to anything important, I've arranged for a speaker on something related to our class." A large man wearing a stone-gray suit walked in with a threatening posture. Nana played with her ribbon with a self-consciously as a boy across the room played with his baseball cap. "Thank you for coming, Mr. Director General."

"It's no problem. I'm always happy to help the populace." He said as Nana and that boy cough a bit. "Today, I'm going to tell you about the new race of highly dangerous beings called Diclonus. The Diclonus are known for using their vectors to infect their victims' bodies and cause their species to survive by limiting humans to giving birth to Diclonus. For that reason, they are being studied." In the boy's and Nana's eyes, one could see the look of fear. In Mayu's eyes, the thought of an Eva setup with Diclonus floating in tanks waving happily.

After all too long, the bell rang to signal the end of school. Whether certain members of the class were too shell-shocked to notice it is another story. "Sc…" Nana stuttered. "Scary…"

Mayu blinked. "How much of that can you do?"

"…I don't know…" Nana squeaked, hardly noticing the boy behind them.

"Miss Kurama?" The boy injected. "Could you please do me the favor of a private conversation?"

* * *

Lucy: That's much better... Doesn't this feel better than watching those childish anime?

Lucy: And you'll write more frequently than about that whore that I have the misfortune to share a name with.

"She's not a whore!"

Lucy (2): Who'sss a whore?

"Send help... Someone?"


End file.
